My best friend tells me that when we slow down enough to pay attention, we can learn valuable lessons from the animals around us. One fault of mine is that I get in too much of a hurry, don’t slow down and pay attention to what is going on around me, and I can end up hurting someone’s feelings, and missing learning new life lessons and appreciating the glimmers of daily living.
In my last column, I wrote about the killdeer keeping her nest safe while I was mowing. As I passed by that same area this last mowing session I did not see her anywhere. I choose to believe that not seeing her is a good sign. I will optimistically believe her eggs hatched and her chicks grew healthy and strong, and they are all happily living their best lives possible.
In this past week, a killdeer began to frequently appear close to my front sidewalk. My front yard consists of pine trees and river rock. For the first few days, I assumed she made a nest under one of the trees, as her distracting techniques were trying to draw me away from the house and down the sidewalk. It’s only been in the past couple of days that I realized she picked a spot not even five feet from my sidewalk, which is made of pea gravel and paver blocks built by my best friend while I was away helping with the wheat harvest a few years ago. From what I can see, it looks like she has four eggs.
I know it is their instinct to build in such places, but there’s a part of me that can’t help but take a little bit of credit or feel a little pride that she selected that spot. It makes me happy she chose to build her nest there…casting her instincts and nature’s way aside, I like to think she knows that she can trust me and knows I won’t disturb her nest, and I’ll do whatever I can in my limited power to help protect it. She and her mate are ever watchful, and it has been a rare sight to not see at least one of them on the nest or close by. In joining forces, the parents greatly increase the chances their eggs will hatch, and the chicks will grow to maturity. Mom and Dad Killdeer have each others' backs.
We “have someone’s back” when we protect our loved ones against unseen danger. They can’t hear or see or sense the danger that comes up behind them; we need to help alert them to threats and do what we can to drive the predator away, or distract it, or help our loved one fight or escape. Our protection can be especially impactful when it comes to our loved ones’ mental health! The average person has the ability to make a tremendous impact and save lives! No red cape required!
We make a difference when we JUST SHOW UP. We show them that WE CARE, THEY MATTER, and that they are NOT ALONE. We needlessly worry that our efforts are not enough if we don’t show up with an 18-pack or casserole or fresh cookies. What matters most is not the items in tow, it is our compassion. It is our empathy. It is our genuine concern for their well-being. It is our presence.
We may feel self-inflicted pressure to be the peppy puppy dog and bounce up and down until we make then laugh. Stop. We are not failing if they don’t laugh or smile. I remember one well-intentioned person told me around a previous holiday season, “If I were there I’d get you in the Christmas spirit” when the very last thing I wanted to think about was meeting someone else’s expectations about how I should act or feel during the holidays while I was dealing with traumatic, life-altering grief.
We have someone’s back when we not only ask “how are you?” but we genuinely stop, wait, and listen for their complete and honest response. It may not be the ideal time or place to have an in-depth conversation, so it’s important to follow up with a text message, phone call, or drop-in visit and reaffirm our genuine concern.
We have someone’s back when we are courageous and have honest, non-judgmental conversations and share our observations about their well-being. Not sure how to begin that conversation? Your county health department or extension office may offer courses such as COMET (Changing Our Mental and Emotional Trajectory) or Question, Persuade, Refer (QPR). These trainings are also available online. Other resources include calling 988 or the AgriStress Helpline at 1-833-897-2474 or Farm Aid at 1-800-FARM-AID for guidance in how to navigate those conversations.
Just be the awesome person you already are. You are enough to make a difference in your loved ones’ life. All we have to do is be brave and challenge the stigma that can silence conversations around mental health. We have the power to help protect our loved ones’ nest.